Slapped-Together Fan Fiction Goes Ka-Blooey

After some entertaining shows this was a let-down.

Desilu Studios - 9336 W. Washington Blvd., Culver City, California, USA

Bob Crane, Harold Gould, Larry Hovis, and Werner Klemperer in Hogan's Heroes (1965)

Sir, I think this time we've bit off more than we can chew.

All we've gotta do is get Klink to believe there's a rocket gun factory in England, get him to pry the location out of Carter, then he notifies the Luftwaffe, they send over their bombers, our anti-aircraft knock 'em off, and we've relieved the pressure on London. Simple.

You know what? I think we've bit off more than we can chew.

Robert Clary, Bob Crane, Richard Dawson, and Larry Hovis in Hogan's Heroes (1965)

Harold Gould, Werner Klemperer, and Sigrid Valdis in Hogan's Heroes (1965)

John Banner, Larry Hovis, and Werner Klemperer in Hogan's Heroes (1965)

Robert Clary, Bob Crane, Ivan Dixon, and Larry Hovis in Hogan's Heroes (1965)

Bob Crane

Werner Klemperer

John Banner

Art Baer

Ben Joelson

Hogan&apos;s plan to relieve the bombing pressure on London with a trap hinges on Carter&apos;s ability to remember the name of a town - Leadingham.

Bob Sweeney

Klink&apos;s Rocket

In the first of four scripts they wrote for &quot;Hogan&apos;s Heroes,&quot; Art Baer and Ben Joelson give every indication that, having watched a few episodes, they thought, &quot;Hey! We could do this too!&quot; The pair had been writing for sitcoms such as &quot;Car 54, Where Are You?&quot; since the early 1960s, but their slapdash approach to &quot;Klink&apos;s Rocket&quot; seems more like what we now call fan fiction, aping the source&apos;s stylistic elements without ever understanding what makes them effective.

Consider: Stalag 13 commandant Colonel Klink smugly informs his prisoners of war, including Hogan&apos;s Heroes, Colonel Hogan&apos;s band of covert intelligence and sabotage operatives, that the Luftwaffe has launched a &quot;blitzkrieg&quot; against London, which incites the ire of English Corporal Newkirk, and thus prompts Hogan to concoct a plan to lure the Germans into a trap.

This entails hoisting non-Stalag 13 POW Billett (John Orchard, mangling what may be a Scottish accent), whom the Heroes are trying to deliver back to Britain, up a tree in a parachute so he can be captured having passed along a &quot;breech plate&quot; to the new, secret Allied &quot;rocket gun&quot;--actually the shade lock from Klink&apos;s office lamp--to Sergeant Carter, who is caught with it, prompting an &quot;interrogation&quot; by Klink and Sergeant Schultz that involves . . . Gourmet food, with Carter&apos;s groaning when overstuffed making the Heroes think he&apos;s being tortured. (Only by the plot, as are we all.)

Carter certainly cannot remember the name of the English town where the rocket-gun factory is located, which of course has been heavily fortified as the trap. This spurs Klink to call his not-really &quot;old buddy&quot; General Von Lintzer (a wasted Harold Gould) for help, with Von Lintzer poised to launch a bombing raid to destroy the factory once he learns the name of--

--Ay yi yi! Please make this Rube Goldberg contraption of a narrative stop. Leaving aside the illogical elements of their plot, such as keeping Billett hung out to dry--is he now fated to remain at Stalag 13? If he does escape, wouldn&apos;t that ruin Klink&apos;s perfect no-escape record?--Baer and Joelson play fast and loose with history.

Certainly, IMDb contributors have rushed to post Trivia and Goofs items noting that the (in)famous &quot;Blitz,&quot; the Germans&apos; ruthless bombing of Britain, particularly its capital city London, occurred from September 1940 to May 1941. This is true, and it would have made the presence of any American POW from Hogan on down anachronistic since the US didn&apos;t officially enter the war until December 1941.

But whether Baer and Joelson actually knew this or took a chance and got lucky, the Germans did launch Operation Steinbock, nicknamed the &quot;Baby Blitz,&quot; in January 1944, bombing raids that targeted southern England, including London, until May 1944. Then there is the matter of the map on Klink&apos;s wall, which depicts Allied forces in proximity to German forces in and around Germany itself, which didn&apos;t occur until the very end of the war. Would Klink have wasted all that sumptuous food--with any food already in short supply by that point--on Carter just to get the location of one secret-weapon factory?

Do your homework, fellas. &quot;Klink&apos;s Rocket&quot; is slapped-together fan fiction that goes ka-blooey.

In the first of four scripts they wrote for "Hogan's Heroes," Art Baer and Ben Joelson give every indication that, having watched a few episodes, they thought, "Hey! We could do this too!" The pair had been writing for sitcoms such as "Car 54, Where Are You?" since the early 1960s, but their slapdash approach to "Klink's Rocket" seems more like what we now call fan fiction, aping the source's stylistic elements without ever understanding what makes them effective.

Consider: Stalag 13 commandant Colonel Klink smugly informs his prisoners of war, including Hogan's Heroes, Colonel Hogan's band of covert intelligence and sabotage operatives, that the Luftwaffe has launched a "blitzkrieg" against London, which incites the ire of English Corporal Newkirk, and thus prompts Hogan to concoct a plan to lure the Germans into a trap.

This entails hoisting non-Stalag 13 POW Billett (John Orchard, mangling what may be a Scottish accent), whom the Heroes are trying to deliver back to Britain, up a tree in a parachute so he can be captured having passed along a "breech plate" to the new, secret Allied "rocket gun"--actually the shade lock from Klink's office lamp--to Sergeant Carter, who is caught with it, prompting an "interrogation" by Klink and Sergeant Schultz that involves . . . Gourmet food, with Carter's groaning when overstuffed making the Heroes think he's being tortured. (Only by the plot, as are we all.)

Carter certainly cannot remember the name of the English town where the rocket-gun factory is located, which of course has been heavily fortified as the trap. This spurs Klink to call his not-really "old buddy" General Von Lintzer (a wasted Harold Gould) for help, with Von Lintzer poised to launch a bombing raid to destroy the factory once he learns the name of--

--Ay yi yi! Please make this Rube Goldberg contraption of a narrative stop. Leaving aside the illogical elements of their plot, such as keeping Billett hung out to dry--is he now fated to remain at Stalag 13? If he does escape, wouldn't that ruin Klink's perfect no-escape record?--Baer and Joelson play fast and loose with history.

Certainly, IMDb contributors have rushed to post Trivia and Goofs items noting that the (in)famous "Blitz," the Germans' ruthless bombing of Britain, particularly its capital city London, occurred from September 1940 to May 1941. This is true, and it would have made the presence of any American POW from Hogan on down anachronistic since the US didn't officially enter the war until December 1941.

But whether Baer and Joelson actually knew this or took a chance and got lucky, the Germans did launch Operation Steinbock, nicknamed the "Baby Blitz," in January 1944, bombing raids that targeted southern England, including London, until May 1944. Then there is the matter of the map on Klink's wall, which depicts Allied forces in proximity to German forces in and around Germany itself, which didn't occur until the very end of the war. Would Klink have wasted all that sumptuous food--with any food already in short supply by that point--on Carter just to get the location of one secret-weapon factory?

Do your homework, fellas. "Klink's Rocket" is slapped-together fan fiction that goes ka-blooey.

Hogan's plan to relieve the bombing pressure on London with a trap hinges on Carter's ability to remember the name of a town - Leadingham.

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